A 

A 

no 

0 

THE 

u 

RN 

1 

4 

0 

9 

JBR 

7 

4 

^        f 

1 

1    ' 

1 

^ 


THE      MINOR      DRAMA. 


THE    ACTING    EDITION. 
No.  CXLVII. 


LADIES  AT  HOME; 

OK, 

GENTLEMEN,  WE  CAN  DO  WITHOUT  YOU. 


BY  J.  G.  MILLENGEN,  M.  D., 

Author  of  the  "Jiee-IIive." 


TO    WmCU    ARE    ADDED 

A  description  of  llie  Costume — Cast  of  the  Clinraotcrs — Entrances    and  Exita^ 

Relative  rosilioiis  of  the  Performers  on  the  Stage,  and  the  whole  of  the 

Stage  Business. 


AS    PERFORMED    AT    TDE 

rRINCIPAL  ENGLISH  AND  AMERICAN  THEATRES. 


NEAV    YORK: 
SAMUEL      FRENCH, 

122  Nassau  Street,  (Up  Stairs.) 


CAST  OF  THE  CHARACTERS.— [Ladies  at  Home.] 

Ilaymarket,  London. 


Lady  Antidote, 
Lady  Lucretia, 
Mks.  Banter, 
Miss  Laura, 
Mrs.  Lenient, 
Miss  Prim, 
Miss  Buckeam, 
Jenny,  - 


Mrs.  Davenport'. 
Mrs.  Gibbs. 
Mrs.  Edwin. 
Miss  Beaumont 
Mrs.  Conner. 
Mrs.  Kendall. 
Jlrs.  Listen. 
Mrs.  T.  Hill. 


SCENE— A  Country  House  of  Lady  Antidote. 

Costumes  of  the  day. 

Time  in  Representation,  forty  minutes. 


L2> 


LADIES  AT  HOME. 


SCENE. — A  Chamber  at  Lady  Lucretia's  ;  a  ivindow,  tvtth  a  balcony, 
looking  into  the  garden  ;  to  the  left  a  closet  door ;  on  the  K.  a  door, 
siipposed  to  lead  to  the  rest  of  the  apartments. 

Lau.  I  hope  m\  caunt  and  cousin  are  now  satisfied.  Not  a  man  left 
in  the  house,  or  allowed  to  visit  us,  and  all  this,  because  poor  Mr.  Bo- 
villo  loves  me,  and  because  auuty  says,  I  love  him ;  because,  when  he 
looks  at  me,  I  blush,  and  si£;h:  and  when  ho  does  not  look  at  me,  I 
look  at  him — because — ah  me  ! — I  surely  do  not  love  him — because — 
cousin  says,  I  should  not,  heigho  ! 

Enter  Mks.  Banter,  r. 

Mrs.  D.  "  What  dost  thou  muse  on,  meditating  maid  1"  Eh,  Laura, 
always  sighing,  your  poor  birds  forgotten !  your  harp  unstrung,  your 
geraniums  withered,  your  work  neglected,  and  your  dear  eyes  bi^-^ 
with  the  starting  tear.  If  these  be  not  symptoms  of  love  I'm  not  a 
widow. 

Lau.  Love  indeed  !  and  with  whom  should  poor  Laura  be  in  level 

Mrs.  B.  I  know  not  with  whom  you  should  be,  but  I  know  with 
whom  you  are.  Come,  entrust  me  with  all  your  hopes  and  fears,  and 
I  promise  you,  dear  girl,  my  assistance  and  advice. 

Lau.  You  have  no  doubt  heard,  that  my  aunt  and  cousin  politely 
insisted  on  Mr.  Boville  "discontinuing  his  visits. 

Mrs.  B.  I  am  acquainted  with  every  particular,  Lady  Antidote  and 
your  prim  cousin  Lady  Lucretia,  like  all  prudes,  would  wish  to  con- 
demn you  to  bend  under  the  same  yoke  that  galls  them. 

Imu.  Prudes  ! — what's  a  prude,  Mrs.  Banter  1 

Mrs.  B.  A  prude,  my  gentle  girl,  is  a  noiidescri])t  animal,  reserved 
when  site's  young,  as  she  dares  not  run  after  a  beau,  and  laserved 
when  she's  old,  as  no  beau  will  run  after  her. 


4  LABIES    AT    nOJIE. 

Lan.  That's  exactly  auntj''s  and  cousin's  case,  they  scold  me  when 
I  even  look  up  when  there  are  men  in  company. 

Mrs.  B.  Because,  men  most  likely  look  down  on  them,  but  I  am 
preparing  for  Lady  Lucretia  a  salutary  lesson,  which  I  trust  will  cure 
her  of  her  attectation,  and  ensure  your  happiness. 

Lau.  My  dearest  friend,  would  you  believe  if?  she  has  ordered  mo 
not  even  to  stir  out  of  the  room  without  her,  and  all  this  because  Mr. 
Boville  wrote  me  a  letter. 

Mrs.  n.  A  letter  1 

Lau.  I  presume,  at  least,  it  was  for  me,  for  he  was  going  to  hand  it 
to  me,  when  cousin  snaped  at  it,  and  did  so  abuse  poor  dear  Mr.  Bo- 
ville ! — but  here  she  comes.  Mrs.  Banter,  do  staud  by  me,  and  if  she 
scolds,  pray  take  my  part. 

Mrs.  B.  Fear  notliing,  dear  child  ;  a  young  girl  who  wants  a  hus- 
band, and  a  young  widow  who  has  no  particular  objection  to  try  an- 
other, will  always  be  a  match  for  age  and  prudery 

Enter  Lady  Lucretia,  r. 

Lady  L.  AVell,  Miss  Laura,  I  hope  that  you  have  come  to  a  proper 
sense  of  your  shameful  conduct. 

Ijaxi.  Dear  cousin,  what  have  I  donel 

Lady  L.  AVhat  have  you  done,  miss  1  unparalleled  impudence !  Is 
it  nothing  at  your  age,  nay,  at  any  age,  to  listen  to  the  vile  adulation 
of  that  viper,  Man  ;  to  receive  the  romantic  trash  his  odious  pen  has 
traced  1 

Mrs.  B.  Dear  me,  Lady  Lucretia,  a  young  man  writes  a  few  lines 
to  a  young  girl,  and  one  would  think  that  Church  and  State  were  in 
danger. 

Lau.  I'm  sure,  cousin,  there  was  Tiothing  naughty  in  it. 

Lady  L.  You  are  sure !  And  ])ray,  miss,  who  made  you  a  judge 
of  what's  naughty — what's  the  meaning  of  all  this  1 

Mrs.  B.  Why,  my  lady,  the  purpoit  is  clear  enough,  though  lovers 
now-adays  are  not  so  laconic  in  their  declarations  as  they  should  be. 
"  Nothing  like  .symj)licity,  madam.  I  love  you,  and  if  you  love  me, 
pull  the  bell,  and  send  for  the  ])arson ;  but,  madam,  if  I  love  you,  and 
you  don't  lovo  me,  I'll  jjuU  the  bell,  and  send  for  my  horse" — that's 
coming  to  the  point  at  once. 

Lady  L.  Love  you,  love  me  !  Mrs.  Banter,  I  entertain  the  highest 
resjicct  for  you,  but  as  my  aunt.  Lady  Antidote,  and  I  are  responsible 
for  this  giddy  child's  education,  we  must  prevent  her  from  strayii;g  in 
those  ways  some  folks  lind  so  delightlul. 

Mrs.  B.  [aside]  You  shall  i)ny  dearly  for  some  folks. 

Lady  L.  Come,  miss,  to  your  room  ;  and  if  ever  we  see  you  look  at 
the  men 

Lau.  Why,  tlie  men  will  be  looking  at  me. 

Lady  L.  No  more ;  to  your  room,  and  should  Mr.  Boville  dare  to 
approach  this  house  we'll  secure  you  in  a  jilace  inaccessible  to  the 
temerity  of  his  odious  race.  [E.rit  Lauiia,  sobbing,  r. 

Mrs.  n.  I  do  iioi  think.  Lady  Lucretia,  that  you  will  lind  severity 
of  any  w^e  with  that  gentle  girl. 


LADIES    AT    HOME.  O 

Lady  L.  If  the  austerity  of  prudence  is  deemed  severity,  i>hen  Mrs. 
Banter  am  I  glad  to  be  called  severe. 

Mrs.  13.  The  austerity  of  prudence !  Believe  me,  austere  as  you 
think  yourself,  I  shall  some  day  see  you  in  love,  and  disappointed. 

Lady  L.  You  may  answer  for  your  own  heart,  Mrs.  Banter,  but  I 
cannot  conceive  by  what  authority  you  pretend  to  account  for  the 
feelings  of  mine. 

Mrs.  B.  Nor  can  I  conceive  by  what  right  your  heart  affects  to  bo 
made  of  other  stulf  than  your  neighbors. 

Lady  L.  Thank  heaven  it  is. 

Mrs.  B.  Suppose,  now,  a  handsome,  amiable,  young  man 

Lady  L.  1  hate  handsome  men.  In  my  opinion  good  looks  are  su- 
perfluous. 

Mrs.  B.  Perhaps ;  but  were  I  marrying  I  should  have  an  eye  to  su- 
perfluities. 

Lady  L.  Such  affected  wretches  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Now  there's  :ny  twin-brother,  Agustus.  [Pointedly.]  I  have 
often  heard  you  say  that  he  was  charming. 

Lady  L.  I  have  certainly  said  that — that  he  was  good-looking, 
[  With  embarrassment,]  but  you  know  he  is  only  a  boy — a  mere  boy  ; 
besides,  he  is  the  very  image  of  you,  my  dear  Mrs.  Banter,  and  I  could 
not  avoid  transferring  to  him  during  your  absence  part  of  that  sincere 
affection  I  entertain  for  you ;  besides  I  had  commenced  giving  him  a 
little  moral  advice. 

Mrs.  B.  I  assure  you,  madam,  whatever  you  have  told  my  young 
brother  in  your  moral  lessons,  he  talks  of  you  so  much  by  day  that  I 
dare  swear  he  dreams  of  notliing  else  all  night. 

Lady  L.  [Warmly.]  Dear  boy  !  Does  he  indeed  1  He  is  so  inter- 
esting.    What  a  pity  it  would  be  were  he  to  fall  into  evil  hands. 

3Irs.  B.  It  would  indeed.  But  I  am  suprised  lie  in  not  yet  here — 
he  was  so  anxious  to  return,  to  avail  himself  of  your  kind  admonitions. 

Lady  L.  lie  shall  be  most  welcome. 

jMrs.  B.  What !  although  a  man  ! 

Lady  L.  A  man  !  nonsense,  he  is  but  a  boj' — a  mere  cliild  ! 

Mrs.  B.  lie's  not  so  young — we're  exactly  the  same  age,  for  the  same 
hour  gave  birth  to  us  both. 

Jjadjj  L.  I  thought  her  at  least  ten  years  older.  [Aside.]  but  here's 
my  aunt  with  our  friends. 

Enter  Lady  Antidote,  Mrs.  Lexient,  Miss  Pkim,  with  a  lap-dog  and 
Miss  Buckram,  k. 

Lady  A.  JI\'  dear  neice,  where  have  3'ou  been  1 

Miss  B.  You  have  lostagreat  treat,  a  festival  of  virtue.  Miss  Prim 
has  been  giving  us  in  the  summer-house,  a  most  elaborate  lecture 
upon  the  evils  of  matrimony. 

Lady  L.  I  left  you,  ladies,  to  have  a  little  talk  with  my  imprudent 
cousin  Laura;  she  has  been  so  rash  as  to  allow  a  young  man  to  write 
to  her ! 

Jjudy  A.  A  man  write  to  my  neice  !     Im  petrified  ! 

Miss  P.  Madam,  you  appal  me  ! 


6  LADIES    AT    HOJIE. 

3Iiss  B.  I'm  thunderstruck  ! 

Miss  r.  It's  a  ineiancholj'  thing  that  we  have  not  in  this  loose  coun- 
try nuiuieries  to  immure  such  slippery  young  people  in. 

Mrs  L.  But,  my  dear  ladies,  how  can  we  prevent  a  young  man  frem 
paying  us  his  addresses  "? 

Miss  P.  Us  ! — not  meaning  me  I  hope  madam. 

Miss  B.  I  should  like  to  see  one  of  your  dandies  pa5'ing  his  ad- 
dresses to  me ! 

Mis5  P.  There  is  a  dignified  manner  of  repelling  the  rude  attempts 
of  these  men  :  thus — Sir,  pray  what  do  you  mean  '? 

Lady  A.  Or, — Sir,  sir,  I  do  not  conceive  your  impertinence  ! 

Miss  B.  Or, — Sir,  you  labor  under  a  miscomprehension,  sir  ! 

Lady  A.  You  may  laugh,  ladies  ;  but  if  any  one  of  my  famil}'  per- 
mitted the  shadow  of  a  little  Gnger  to  cast  an  umbrage  on  their  repu- 
tation, I  would  expunge  their  very  name  from  the  genealogy  of  the 
Antidotes  !     My  neice  shall  never  wed  with  my  consent,  no — never ! 

Mrs  B.  Yet,  my  Lady  Antidote,  you  yourself  were  married  three 
times. 

Lady  A.  That  madam,  was  the  more  eifectually  to  convince  myself 
of  the  superiority  of  a  single  life. 

Lady  Ij.  Perhaps  Mrs.  Banter  approves  of  Laura's  having  given  per- 
mission to  I\Ir.  Boville. 

Mrs  B.  My  dear  lady,  men  are  apt  to  do  whatever  they  like, 
whether  permitted  or  not. 

Mrs  L.  Oh  !  the  wretches  !  so  they  are.  Happy  the  woman  who 
can  sot  slander  at  defiance. 

Lady  A.  I  defy,  it  madam  ! 

Miss  P.  So  do  I. 

Miss  B.  And  so  do  I. 

Lady  L.  Let  us  not,  ladies,  pretend  to  dictate  to  others.  I  can  only 
remark,  that  no  female  is  exposed  to  calumny  when  by  her  manners 
she  conmiands  respect,  silences  insinuations,  and  keeps  all  men  at  bay. 

{Exit,  R. 

Lady  A.  Do  you  not  envy  me,  ladies,  to  have  such  a  neice,  such  a 
paragon  of  super-excellence  1 

Mrs.  B.  All  !  your  neice,  like  many  others,  may  some  day  most  in- 
nocently wrilhe  under  the  fang  of  malice. 

iMdy  A.  My  neice  writhe  under  a  fang,  madam  1 

Mrs.  L.  We  are  all  open  to  remark. 

Ijady  A.  My  neice,  madam,  is  only  remarkable  for  her  impregnable 
virtue  ! 

Mrs  B.  No  fortress  is  deemed  impregnable  until  attacked. 

Ijady  A.  Attacked,  madam!  Lady  Lucretia  is  unatackable;  she 
would  freeze  a  sunbeam  if  it  dared  to  shine  illicitly  upon  her  ! 

Miss  P.  And  so  would  1 ! 

Miss  11.  And  so  would  I  !     You  quite  shock  me. 

Mrs  U.  Wiiat !  by  saying  that  nothing  can  secure  defenceless  virtue 
fi'om  slamler  ! 

MiSs  P.  Virtue,  madam,  is  never  defenceless,  imless  she  pleases  to 
lay  clown  her  arras.    A  virtuous  woman's  face,  madam,  should,  like 


7  LADIES    AT    HOME. 

my  own,  resemble  the  famed  Medusa's  head,  and  petrify  impertinence 

[Exit,  R. 

Miss  B.  If  one  of  your  gay  deceivers  liad  the  audacity  to  look  im- 
properly on  me,  with  one  glance  I'd  make  him  fly  to  tlie  deserts  of 
Arabia — to  the  deserts  of  Arabia,  madam  !  Men  I  detest !  Give  me 
my  pussy  and  I'm  satisfied.  [Exit,  r. 

Lady  A.  Indeed,  Mrs  Banter,  your  free  mode  of  thinking  is  quite 
horritic  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Because  I  maintain  that  frailty  is  tlie  lot  of  mankind  ! 

Lady  A.  ^Mankind  !  madam  ? — as  I  never  meddle  with  matters  that 
do  not  concern  me  you  must  also  permit  me  to  withdraw.  [Exit,  E. 

3Irs.  L.  Indeed  Mrs.  Banter,  this  is  too  bad  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Depend  upon  it  things  are  bad  enough  when  people  pretend 
to  be  too  good ;  but  now  that  we  are  alone  I  must  entrust  you  with  a 
plan  that  I  have  conceived,  and  am  immediately  going  to  put  into  ex- 
ecution, and  Jenny  shall  assist  us. 

Mrs.  L.  I  fortunately  am  neither  an  old  maid  nor  a  prude,  and  shall 
assist  you  with  all  my  heart. 

Mrs.  B.  V'ou  know  my  twin  brother  Augustus  1 

Mrs.  Ij.  Perfectly,  the  very  image  of  you. 

Mrs.  B.  Well,  availing  myself  of  his  absence,  I  dressed  in  his  clothes, 
and  was  introduced  to  Lady  Lucretia.who  was  long  anxious  to  know 
him  ;  she  saw  me,  encouraged  my  frequent  visits.  With  all  her  pru- 
dery she  seemed  to  understand  pretty  well  the  language  of  the  eyes, 
and  I  believe  can  manatie  pretty  well  my  occular  telegraphs.  She 
glanced,  I  glanced — glances  brought  on  blushes,  blushes  sighs  !  Sho 
played  the  bashful,  and  I  was  as  awkward,  oh,  as  awkward  as  a 
schoolboy  ;  in  taking  the  chair  I  dropped  my  hat,  in  picking  up  my 
hat  I  dropped  my  gloves,  in  snatching  at  my  gloves  I  upset  a  chair  ; 
she  laughed  ;  down  went  the  hat  again.  Then  I  heaved  a  sigh  !  elab- 
orated a  sentimental  tear  in  a  downcast  eye.  In  short,  she  soon  imag- 
ined that  I  was  smitten  with  her,  and  instead  of  dropi)ing  and  picking 
i;p  my  hat  in  timid  embarrasment,  when  I  perceived  that  I  had  smit- 
ten her,  I  cla]ii)ed  it  on  a  peg  ! 

Mrs.  Ij.  Delightful !     But  what  do  you  intend  to  do  1 

Mrs.  B.  Make  her  surrender,  and  cry  for  mercy  ! 

Mrs.  L.  That's  right,  she  io  in  yo;:r  power ;  let  your  revenge  bo 
ample ! 

Mrs.  B.  Ample  ! — I  am  a  woman,  Mrs.  Lenient,  and  she  i.s —  a  prude. 

]Ezeuyit,  l, 

Enter  Jexny  with  a  letter,  l,. 

Jenny.  So  my  mistress  has  not  yet  retired  to  her  chamber  7  where 
can  she  be,  as  she  is  above  the  wicked  things  of  this  world  as  she 
calls  it,  I  suppose  she's  in  the  garden  looking  after  the  comet !  What 
a  monstrous  terrible  house  to  be  sure  ;  oh  !  that  I  was  ever  born  to 
come  into  it.  Except  a  lame  messenger,  a  deaf  porter  a  blind  coach- 
man, and  a  drunken  butler,  no  man's  ever  allowed  in  it  I  My  old  mis- 
tress says  that  love's  all  fudge,  because  she's  as  old  as  Gog  and  Magog. 
Young  mistress  says  that  love's  ridiculous,  but  I've  seen  her  hide 


8  LADIES    AT    HOME. 

many  a  slj' letter  in  her  reticule.  Oli,  geniini !  if  I  had  but  stayed 
witli  sweet  Miss  Kitty  Cotton,  after  she  had  married  that  dear  soldier 
officer,  of  the  lancing  folks.  Oh,  I'd  now  perhaps  have  been  a  lancer 
too  !  None  of  your  periwigged  pated  old  codgers  for  us,  but  a  merry 
soldier,  w  ho  tells  all  about  storming  and  scaling ;  as  how,  before  they 
batter  away,  all  the  young  girls  are  sent  out  of  the  town,  and  all  the 
old  ladies  stay  at  home  to  keep  house  and  receive  the  visitors  !  Oh, 
gemini,  'tis  pure  work. 

Enter  Laby  Lucretia,  r. 

Lady  L.  Jenny,  quit  my  chamber. 

Jenny.  Here's  a  letter,  my  lady,  from  Mrs.  Banter.  She  left  the 
house  all  in  tears — everybody  must  cry  here,  when  no  man's  never 
allowed  to  come  and  laugh  with  us. 

Lady  L.  Impertient  hussey  !  quit  my  room. 

Jenny.  I  wish  the  house  was  on  lire,  then  we  should  be  obliged  to 
call  in  some  men  to  put  it  out.  [Exit  Jenny,  l. 

Lady  L.  So  Mrs.  Banter  is  offended.  [Reads.]  I  am  glad  she  is 
gone,  licr  free  manners  are  insui)portable ;  yet  1  hope  she  won't  be 
spiteful  enough  to  prevent  her  brother  coming  here.  Dear  boy,  I  know 
not  why,  but  when  he  is  with  me  my  antipatay  to  his  sex  is  not  half 
so  strong.  [A  guitar  is  heard  tinder  the  winbow.]  What  is  this — it 
must  be  that  insolent  Bovillc  playing  under  Laura's  window.  What 
are  my  gardeners,  my  servants  about — I'll  alarm  the  house.  [Rims  to 
a  bell  upon  the  table,  but  as  she  is  going  to  ring  it  singing  is  heard. 

SO^G.— Without. 

Dared  I  declare  I  dearly  love  thee, 
What  language  could  my  thoughts  impart  1 

But  let  my  silent  actions  prove  thee. 
The  fond  emotions  of  my  heart ! 

Heavens  !  'tis  the  voice  of  Augustus  ! — Is  the  boy  mad — at  this  hour  of 
the  night.  [She  runs  and  throws  open  the  window,  Mrs.  Banter  as 
Augustus,  is  discovered  standing  on  the  balcony.]  What  do  I  see,  sir! 
You  here  1 

Mrs.  E.  [With  timidity.]  Yes,  my  lady, 'tis  I.  Your  poor  Augustus 
stands  before  you. 

/,ady  L.  Dare;  you  presume  to  enter  my  apartment  1 

Mrs.  J).  [Falling  on  her  knees.]  If  I  have  od'endod,  at  your  feet  I 
beg,  I  implore  forgiveness  ! 

Lady  I  J.  [With  emotion.]  At  my  feet;  rise,  sir.  If  anyone  were 
to  come  in — rise,  I  l)eg  of  you! 

Mrs.  B.  Besides,  I  remarked,  whenever  I  sat  near  you  in  company 
thnt  nil  the  ladies  whisjiercd  and  tittered. 

Lady  [j.  Well,  sir? 

Mrs.  ]i.  So  1  i)referred  a  tetc-a-tetc — a  drawing-room  might  have 
caused  idle  conversation — so  I  selected  this  chamber.  In  coming  by 
day  I  might  have  been  seen,  so  I  came  by  night.  Entering  by  tho 
door  tiic  servants  would  have  remarked  mo,  so  I  came  in  by  the  win- 


LADIES    AT    HOME.  9 

dow ;  I  was  so  anxious  to  receive  some  more  of  those  kind  moral  les- 
Bons  you  used  to  give  me. 

Lady  L.  [Pointing  to  the  window.]  You  have  made  a  pretty  use  of 
them  I  must  confess  ;  but  are  you  certain  no  one  saw  you  coming  in  1 

Mrs.  B.  I  did  not  even  intend  to  come  in,  merely  to  lay  all  night 
under  j'our  window — to  hear  your  voice — to  breathe  the  same  air — to 
greet  tlie  morn  that  would  wake  you — instinctively  I  commenced  re- 
peating a  few  lines  I  wrote — then  I  saw  a  ladder — then — 

Lady  L.  Those  lines  you  sung 

3Ls.  B.  Were  composed  for  you  during  my  mournful  vigils. 

Lady  L.  Were  there  any  more  verses  ■? 

Mrs.  B.  An  hundred  and  seventy-three.     I'll  sing  them  to  you  all. 

T^ady  L.  No,  no,  not  now  ;  you'd  disturb  the  house ;  but  you  shall 
read  them. 

Lady  L.  Shall  I !  the  garrison  consents  to  a  parley.  [Aside.]  I  am 
so  overjoyed  ;  such  an  emotion  thrills  tlu'ough  every  vein — my  head  I 

Lady  L.  He'll  faint ! — heavens,  what's  to  be  done  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Oh,  Lady  Lucretia  !  Lucretia !  Lady  Lucretia,  Oh  ! 

[She  falls  into  Lady  Lucretia's  arms,  who  supports  her. 

Lady  L.  Recover,  I  beseech  you  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Oh,  my  head  ! 

Lady  L.  Dear  Mr.  Augustus  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Oh,  my  head  ! 

Lady  L.  Do  not  terrify  mo. 

Mrs.  B.  My  head,  my  head  ! 

Lady  L.  Dear  Augustus  ! — for  my  sake  I  entreat —  dearest  Augus- 
tus. [Fondly. 

Mrs.  B.  Oh  !  I  am  better  now. 

Lady  L.  Hero  !  take  this  smelling  bottle.  [Gives  a  bottle. 

Mrs.  B.  Besides,  I  was  so  apprehensive  of  meeting  my  sister  here. 

Tjady  L.  Oh,  she  is  gone.  You  have  nothing  to  dread  from  her 
malice  ! 

Mrs.  B.  She  is  very  malicious  t 

Jjady  L.  A  silly  creature — would  you  believe  it,  the  woman  is  so 
vain  that  she  thinks  herself  the  image  of  you"? 

Mrs.  B.  Silly  creature  indeed  !  not  the  least  likeness. 

Lady  L.  Not  the  least — your  countenance  is  open,  candid,  honest — 
her's  is  full  of  guile  and  deceit! 

Mrs.  B.  [Returning  the  bottle.]  Many  (hanks  for  your  kindness,  my 
lady.  Can  I  believe  my  eyes  ! — you  deignins  to  lean  over  your  poor 
pupil — your  poor  Augustus !  Oh  !  joys  like  these  too  soon,  too  soon 
must  fleet !  [Kis.tes  her  hand. — Bell  rings,  r. 

Lady  L.  Heaven  ! — the  supper  bell ! — you  must  begone — I  must  go 
down  to  supper. 

Mrs.  B.  You  must  go  to  supper  ! — Oh  !  for  you  I  could  live  without 
supper  all  my  life  time  !     Cruel  woman  ! 

Lady  L.  You  are  not  aware  of  the  danger  you  expose  me  to — I 
must  attend  the  supper  table. 

Mrs.  B.  How  hungry  you  must  be — all  the  family  are  down  akeady, 
and  that  door — 


10  LADIES    AT   HOME.  ^' 

Lady  L.  Well,  sir  ! 

3Irs.  B.  It  can  lock,  can't  it  1 

ImiIij  L.  What  then,  sir  1 

3Irs.  B.  Why  then  here  goes — [Runs  and  shirts  the  door.] — there! 

Bady  L.  What,  sir,  you  have  the  audacity  to  lock  my  doorl 

Mis.  B.  [Aside.}  So,  she  thinks  it's  bolted  ;  believe  me  the  purity 
of  my  sentiments  are  such — my  love —  [Kneels. 

Lady  L.  [Indignantly.]  Your  love,  sir! — never,  never  let  that  odi- 
ous word  lore  escape  your  lips. 

Mrs.  B.  Oh  !  that  I  caimot  promise. 

Lady  L.  Then  quit  the  house  instantly,  sir ! 

3[rs.  B.  Cruel  woman  ! — my  fate  is  in  your  hands  ! — no  power  on 
earth  shall  dare  prevent  me  from  adoring  yon;  and  should  human  ef- 
forts tear  me  from  you,  thus  shall  I  rescue  myself  from  their  oppres- 
sion. [Draivs  a  pistol. 

iMdy  L.  A  pistol ! 

Mrs.  B.  Loaded  to  the  mujizle  with  slugs  and  bullets  ! 

Jjady  L.  The  boy  is  mad  ! — rise,  rise  I  entreat. 

Mrs.  B.  Then  say  you  do  not  hate  me. 

Lady  Ij.  Hate  you,  Augustus  !     Is  that  possible  "^ 

Mrs.  B.  Then  you  do  love  me  1 — 

Lady  L.  How  can  I  reply  ? 

Mrs.  B.  Then  you  detest,  abhor,  abominate,  execrate  me  ! — fare- 
well for  ever  ! 

[Runs  to  the  window — Lady  Lucretia/o?/om's,  and  holds  her. 

Ijady  L.  Hold  !  in  mercy's  name  ! 

Mrs.  B.  No  more — farewell,  farewell ! 

Lady  L.  Then  I — I  do  love  you  !  '< 

Mrs.  B.  Dearly  1 

Lady  L.  Dearly,  Augustus,  dearly 

Eater  Jenny,  l. 

Jenny.  ISIy  lady,  .sup])er,  ah  !  [Shrieks.]  a  man — a  man!  don't  look 
at  me — a  man  !  a  man  ! — 

Mrs.  B.  Oh,  Lucretia  !  we're  undone! 

Jenny.  Thieves!  murder!  a  man  ! 

Lady  L.  .Silence,  .lenny ;   I  order  you  ! 

Jenny.  Housebreaking  and  burglary  !  murder!  a  man  ! 

Jjady  L.  Silence,  my  dearest  Jenny,  I  beg  of  you. 

[  Gives  a  purse, 

Jenny.  I  am  silent,  but  a  man  !  don't  look  at  me. 

Lady  L.  'Tis  all — 'tis  all  a  joke  !  an  innocent  joke. 

Jenny.  A  joke  with  a  man  I  oh  gemini ! 

Lady  L.  [Asid.e.]  A  good  thought  I  I  have  it.  I'll  pretend 'tis  Mrs. 
Banter  in  her  brother's  clothes.  A  man  !  wliy  you  silly  creature, 
ha,  ha,  ha  !  'ti.s  a  woman. 

Jenny.  A  woman ! 

Jjady  h.  To  Ik;  sure,  Mrs.  Banter,  in  her  brother's  clothes.- 

Mrs.  R.  \Aaidc.\  Well  done  cunning. 

Lady  L.  [Aside  in  i\Ii;s.  Banter. J  Pray  luuuor  the  deceit.     Yovi 


LADIES    AT    UOMR.  11 

have  licard  of  the  strong  resemblance  between  her  and  lier  brother, 
and  by  chcssing  my  good  friend  Mrs.  Banter  in  his  clothes  we  were 
preparing  a  surprise  for  the  ladies  after  supper. 

Jenny.  Oh  gemini !  I'd  have  taken  you,  sir, — pardon  me,  ma'am, 

for  as  pure  a  gentleman  as  ever  took  maid  or  widow  in to  chmxh. 

Dear  me,  dear  me,  let's  go  down. 

Lady  L.  That's  imjjossible. 

Jenny.  Eh,  I  see  !  heui,  all  would  be  up  if  we  went  down  ;  but  how 
did  the  lady  get  in  1 

Lady  Jj.  Why  she,  she  left  her  carriage — 

Mrs.  B.  At  the  entrance  of  the  avenue ;  and  by  way  of  a  short  cut 
I  came  in  at  the  window. 

Lady  Ij.  You  had  better  go  the  way  you  came.  [Aside. 

Mrs  B.  [Aside.]  I  forgot  to  iell  you,  my  lady,  I  uj)set  tlic  ladder  ! 

Lady  L.  How  unfortunate !  Ilark'ye,  Jenny — Jenny,  my  dear 
Jeuny,  when  the  company  have  w  ithdrawn  you  must  contrive  to  get 
Mrs.  Banter  out  unnoticed.  But  an  idea  strikes  me — we  are  about 
the  same  size — into  this  closet,  and  put  on  one  of  my  gowns. 

3Irs.  B.  Oh,  my  lady — I'd  do  anything  for  you ;  but  to  turn  wo- 
man, oh  ! 

Ijady  L.  Nonsense,  in  with  you. 

Jenny.  In  with  you — I'll  help  you. 

Jjady  Ij.  You'll  lielp  !  impudent  girl. 

Mrs  B.  But  modesty,  modesty  ! 

Jjady  L.  Modesty,  trash  ! — a  pretty  time  to  talk  of  modesty,  when 
my  reputation's  at  stake ;  in  with  you,  in  with  you. 

[JIrs.  Banter  goes  into  the  closet.  Jenny  anxiously  endeavors  io  fol- 
low her  ;  ZiH^  Lady  LccRETiA  'prevents  her — pause — Jenny  goes  to 
the  door  and  peeps  through  the  keyhole — Lady  Lucketia  peiceives 
her  and  drives  her  atcay.] 

Jenny.  Oh,  I  must  help  her. 

Mrs.  B.  [Li  the  closet.]  Where  are  my  stays. 

Jenny.  I'll  lace  them.  [Going  to  door. 

Lady  L.  [Drives  her  away.]  Yoii  lace  them,  indeed  ! 

Mrs.  B.  [Coming  from  the  closet  in  woman's  clothes.]  Oh!  what 
shall  I  do,  I'm  so  awkward  ! 

Lady  L.  Now,  quick — the  coat  and  hat  under  the  sofa. 

[Xoise  without. 

Jenny.  Oh,  gemini ;  here  are  the  ladies  ! 

Jjady  L.  Now,  sir,  in  mercy's  name  be  discreet. 

Mrs.  B.  AVhat  will  become  of  me!  don't  let  'em  kick  me  down 
Btairs. 

Lady  L.  Be  as  womanish  as  you  can,  and  hold  j'our  tongue. 

Mrs.  B.  That's  not  very  womanish  either. 

Lady  L.  Distraction  !  Be  as  silent  as  j-ou  can,  and  leave  all  to  me. 

Enter  L.vdy  Antidote,  Mrs.  Lenient,  Miss  Prim,  and  Miss  Buck- 
ram, each  with  a  bed  room  candle,  R. 

Lady  A.  Walk  in  ladies,  walk  in. 


12  LADIES   AT   HOME. 

Lady  L.  Mrs.  Banter,  dear  aunt  is  just  returned. 

All.  Mrs  Banter ! 

Mrs.  Len.  My  dear  Mrs.  Banter,  what  brought  you  back  so  soon  1 

Mrs.  B.  [Awkwardly.]  AVhy,  madam — because — do  j'ou  see — be- 
cause— 

Lady  L.  Let  me  explain.  My  good  friend  was  so  anxious  to  make 
up  our  silly  dispute  of  this  evening,  that  she  immediately  returned  in 
private. 

3L-S.  B.  Now  we  are  friends  for  ever,  but  I  must  leave  you,  fare- 
well. 

Lady  L.  Farewell,  my  dearest  Mrs.  Banter  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Adieu,  ladies — adieu.  [Exit,  k. 

Lady  A.  Now,  ladies,  I  hope  you  are  all  convinced  of  the  impo- 
tence of  scandel ! 

Lady  L.  What  now,  aunt  1 

Lady  A.  Yes,  virtuous  niece,  scarce  had  supper  been  concluded 
when  an  anonymous  note  was  handed  in,  purporting  that  you  were 
tetc-a-tete  in  your  room  with  a  young  man  ! 

Mrs.  Len.  [Pulling  the  coat  and  hat  from  under  the  soja?^  But 
what  is  all  this  1 

Lady  L.  [Aside.]  AVhat's  to  be  done  now  ! 

Miss  B.  A  man's  coat !  let  me  go. 

Miss  P.  It  signifies  not — if  there's  a  man  in  the  house  were  I  to 
walk  barefooted  I'd  leave  it! 

Lady  L.  Ha.  ha,  ha  ! 

Lady  A.  You  laugh.  Lady  Lucretia ;  recollect  you  are  my  niece, 
and  this  is  no  matter  for  laughter ! 

Miss  P.  No,  indeed — a  man's  hat ! 

Miss  B.  And  a  man's  coat. 

Miss  P.  Aye,  the  Lord  knows  what  else  may  be  found  ! 

Miss  B.  Aye,  to  be  sure!  Heaven  kno  wswhat  the  fellow  may  not 
have  left  behind  him  ! 

Ljady  L.  Ha!  ha!  Your  alarm  amuses  me.  Here,  Jenny,  Jenny — 
explain  to  these  astonislied  ladies  the  cause  of  their  terrors.  Ha,  ha  I 
be  indiscreet  at  your  jjeril.  [Aside. 

Jenny.  This  co-it,  ladies — ha,  ha,  ha!  'tis  all  a  joke,  my  lady  and 
Mr.'*.  Banter  were  to  hav(!  playeil  yon  after  supper.  This  coat  belongs 
to  IMrs.  Banter's  brother — and  as  saving  your  ladyships'  presence — 
he  is  as  like  her  as  two  peas.  Bless  thoni !  The  brother  was  to  have 
passed  fur  the  sister — I  meant  the  sister  for  tho  brother — and  you 
were  all  to  have  been  hugely  astonished  ! — and — that's  all  I  know. 

[Exit,  Jenny  l. 

Lady  A.  I  hope  this  is  satisfactorj'. 

Mis.-i  B.  [A.Hdc  to  Miss  Prim.]  Humph  !  I  have  mj'  suspicions  ! 

Mrs  L.  [Aside  to  Miss  Buckuam.J  I  can  perceive  these  matters 
witliout  spectacles  ! 

Mrs.  L.  (  Taking  up  the  coat.]  This  odious  coat  under  tho  sofa  cer- 
tainly lookod  ratlier  suspicious — [aside,  throwing  the  coat  into  the  clo- 
set]— and  sliall  be  more  suspicions  still ! 

Lady  A.  .\i>[)euranco,  ladies,  can  never  injure  my  lamb  ! 


LADIES    AT    HOME.  13 

Mrs.  Banter  re-enters  hy  the  window,  and  glides  into  the  closet. 

Lady  L.  AVell,  ladies,  I  trust  that  you  are  now  convinced  of  the  in- 
justice of  your  suspicions. 

Lady  A.  All  that  I  can  say  is,  that  whoever  has,  docs,  or  shall  as- 
perse you,  my  niece — has,  does,  and  shall  have  aspersed,  and  asperses, 
the  inaspersible  house  of  the  Antidotes ! 

Mrs.  L.  Good  nigiit,  Lady  Lucretia  ;  a  pleasant  slumber! 

Miss  P.  Good  nis;ht.  Lady  Lucretia  ;  pleasing  visions  ! 

ll/j'ss  B.  Good  night,  Lady  Lucretia  ;  agreeable  dreams  1 

Mrs.  Baxter  rushes  out  of  the  closet  as  Augustus. 

Mrs.  B.  Hold,  ladie-,  hold  ! 

Miss  P.  and  Miss  B.  A  man !  a  man  ! 

Lady  A.  Don't  come  near  me  ! 

Lady  L.  Heavens  !     The  boy  is  deranged  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Ladies,  were  I  to  remain  longer  silent  and  concealed  I 
should  not  be  acting  the  part  of  a  man  of  honor — of  morality  ! 

Miss  P.  Pretty  morality  !     Oh,  you  highwayman,  keep  off! 

Miss  B.  Stand  off  !  how  vicious  he  looks  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Yes,  ladies  !  I — I  alone  am  culpable.  Blinded  hy  a  fatal 
passion,  which  Lady  Lucretia's  prudence  condemned,  distraction  and 
disappointed  love  led  me  to  anything. 

Lady  L.  Well,  sir;  I  now  trust  that  you  are  convinced  of  the  rash- 
ness of  your  expectations.  The  respect  I  owe  your  sister  alone  pre- 
vented me  from  revealing  your  sex ;  when  you  should  have  met  with 
that  chastisement  your  temerity  deserved. 

Enter  Jexny,  l. 

Jenny.  Mrs.  Banter's  just  arrived.  She  is  come  in  a  carriage  and 
four,  looking  for  her  little  brother! 

Mrs.  B.  My  sister  ! — do  not  tell  her  anything.   Where  shall  I  fly  to  1 

[Runs  off,  J Kyyr  folloivs,  l. 

Lady  A.  Welh  ladies  ;  you  see  that  the  purity  of  the  Antidotes  will 
always  rise  triumphant! 

Lady  L.  After  your  attemj)ts  to  injure  my  character,  ladies,  I  re- 
joice that  you  have  witnessed  this  last  scene. 

Mrs.  L.  Yet  you  will  confess  that  appearances  were  against  you; 
and  that,  spite  of  her  innocence,  poor  woman  can  be  torn  to  pieces  by 
prudes  and  antiipiated  dames  ! 

Miss  P.  Well,  Miss  Buckram,  I  told  you  'twas  a  man  !— ah !  he 
looked  to  treacherous — so  sl\' ! 

Miss  B.  Aye,  just  like  my  Tammy,  when  he's  watching  a  cock- 
sparrow. 

Enter  Jexxy,  l. 

Jenny.  Oh,  ladies!  oh,  ladies! 
iMdy  A.  What's  the  matter  nowl 
Lady  L.  What  ai!s  the  girl  1 
Miss  P.  More  men,  no  vloubt. 


14  LADIES    AT    HOME. 

Jenny.  [Crying.]  Oh,  Lady  Antidote  ! 

Lady  A.  Well "? 

Lady  L.  Speak,  in  mercy's  name! 

Miss  F.  The  girl's  mad  ! 

Jenny.  And  you,  ray  Lady  Lucretia,  don't  go  near  the  fish-pond — 
oh  !  we'll  have  a  coroner's  inquest — oh,  oh  ! 

Miss  B.  No  coroner,  judge,  or  jury,  unless  of  matrons,  shall  enter 
the  house  while  I  am  in  it ! 

Jenny.  Oh,  Mr.  Augustus !  Mr.  Augustus !  Who  would  havo 
thought 

Lady  L.  Heaven  !     Is  the  boy  drowned  1 

Jenny.  I  wish  he  was  drowned,  for  poor  Miss  Lamia's  sake  ! 

Lady  A.  Laura !     What  of  Laura  1 

Jenny.  Oh !  that  Mr.  Augustus — though  ho  is  but  a  little  bit  of  a 
man,  instead  of  going  out  when  his  sister  came  in,  up  be  whips 

Lady  A.  Whips  what  1     Speak 

Jenny.  Miss  Laura — oh  I  oh  ! 

Lady  L.  Laura — distraction  !     Where  is  she  1 

Jenny.  In  her  room,  locked  up  with  Mr.  Augustus ! 

Jjody  L.  Oil  !  the  perfidious  monster  ! 

Miss  F.  Here's  a  pretty  family  ! 

Jjady  L.  Laura  !  Laura ! 

Miss  B.  Call  the  police. 

Miss  F.  )  Police  !  murder  !  police — watch  !  assault!  battery  ! 

Miss  B  S  police! 

Enter  Mrs.  Banter,  holding  Laura  hy  the  hand,  l. 

Mrs.  B.  Ladies,  be  not  alarmed.  Laura  is  under  my  protection.  I 
beg  your  pardon  for  this  unseasonablo  intrusion,  but  having  heard 
that  my  young  brother  Augustus  had  left  our  house,  on  his  way  here, 
I  came  to  ascertain  the  trutli  of  the  rej)ort. 

Lady  L.  Your  brother,  madam,  has  been  here,  but  uninvited  by  me. 
I  cannot  account  for  his  visit ;  yet  his  prompt  and  disgraceful  expul- 
sion from  tliis  house  must  havo  convinced  him  that  whatever  opinion 
h<'  might  have  formed  of  me,  from  your  obliging  reports,  they  were 
loiiinled  on  error,  if  not  on  malice. 

Mrs.  B.  This  bitter  attack,  my  lady,  will  comj)el  me  to  give  publi- 
city to  a  gentle  lesson  which  in  charity  1  had  reserved  for  your  pri- 
vate ear. 

Tjady  L.  Madam,  I  do  not  understand. 

.1//.'!.  B.  My  brother,  perhaps,  will  understand  j'ou  bettor.  His 
couiilenaiicc  is  open,  candid,  and  honest,  while  mine  is  full  of  guile 
and  deceit. 

Lady  //.  What,  do  I  licar  1 

Mrs  B.  Your  poor  Augustus  stands  before  you. 

[  General  surprise. 

Lady  Tj.  fc.  r]  Yon  have  given  me  a  cruel  lesson. 

Mrs.  B,  fc]  Friendship  shall  seal  my  lips  if  you  consent  to  thia 
dear  girl's  liappinoss. 

Lau.  [k.  C.J  Dear  cousin,  do  forgive  mo. 


LADIES    AS    DOME.  15 

Lady  A.  [n..\  Slic  lias  my  consent. 

Mrs  L.  Mot  a  word  shall  /reveal. 

Lau.  And  whatever  those  other  old  ladies  say  no  one  will  believe 
tlioni. 

Miss  P.  [h.]  Impudent  hussey  ! 

Miss  B.  [l.  C.J  Insolent  minx!  I'll  forbid  the  banns! 

Miss  B.  Come,  Lady  Lucretia,  \to  Lady  Lucretia,]  let  us  be 
friends,  and  confess  that  \tQ  the  Audience,]  gentlemen,  dear  gentle- 
men, we  cannot  do  without  you,  therefore  we  hope  the  ladies  will  be 
permitted  to  receive  you  at  home — to-morrow. 

Lady  A.    Lauka.    L^dy  L.    Mks.  B,    Mes.  L.    Miss  P.    Miss  B. 


Ljaulord 

SPEEDY   BINDER 

IZ^:   Syracuse,  N.  Y. 
^^    Stocttlon,  Calif. 


3  1205  02044  0903 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

iliiillillilililillili 

A  A  001  409  747  1 


THE  LP""  '«?Y 


